I pray this morning

It is morning,
bagel's in the toaster,
Water's boiling.
The sound of my personal heater muffles my own sounds.
Or perhaps it is the distractions. Somehow I listen from the inside.
I pray this morning
while eating a bagel.
It is my holy bread;
the water I drink is my baptism.
I still smell yesterday's incense.
I hear it burning in my heart constantly.

I Dreamed of Courage

Last night I dreamed of Courage.
I was lost and was looking for a way back home.
A group of people was heading towards another city.
A friend told me I had to go the other way, towards the way I came from.
As I made my route back I saw a giant bridge.
I didn't know how to get on to it.
I was told to simply jump from it across to the other bridge running parallel to it.
This was the only way home.
In my mind I thought I wouldn't make it, it was too wide a jump
And I was right.
I decided to jump and I fell deep into the river.
At that moment I confronted my fear and let it go.
I was underneath the cold water for such a long time,
But at this moment I was no longer afraid.
When I emerged I saw that my friend had jumped with me.
He hadn't abandoned me, he had demonstrated the highest form of loyalty.
I also saw emerging from the water a huge man resembling a champion body builder
Nothing could bring him down, he was strong and self-assured.
I felt a lightness come over me, I could almost float. It was the feeling of being more alive, a feeling I had forgotten over time.
In my dream I had met Courage and I was ready to become like Him.

Waiting for a sign (part two)

Dear God,

Show me the MONEY, show me the
MONEY!

The spiders in my bathroom
are getting bigger, hungrier,
I can't afford to feed them, and
OSAP's on
my ass.

I drive on the road, on my way to many
places,
I hold my girl friend's hand, in shame...
My dad's a good
businessman, not I.

But why, But why?

I hold a heavy heart, my eyes are blind.
Too proud to accept
second prize.
Ashame, I refuse to pass by.

But why, but why?

Victory over self
is the simple solution,
My vices
have yet to let go of their grip,
Show me the MONEY! Where is the MONEY?

I have minus 30 000$ to spend on
groceries
But I just won a medal for academic excellence
And they all loved my
Powerpoint presentation

Sure, lots of love is coming my way,
But I can't feed the damn spiders in my bathroom,
They are getting angrier,
and hungrier. Pretty soon, they will eat me.

I read Indian
literature, and the Bible, and
Brian L. Weiss (M.D.)
Victory over self is the simple solution,
God, what is my confession?

"Everything is made out of
sand, even you.
All there is left at the end of the day, is your
consciousness, in Me,"

You tell me, You tell me!

But I
have bills to pay...Earth is knocking at my door.
I am anxious, I'm
tired, I'm annoyed.
Take away this monster my Lord!

"Everything in time, you will see
I have a plan for you
my son, a great plan
It is beautiful, It is beautiful!"

I need faith my Lord,
My bathroom is full of spiders, Evil surrounds
me
How can I come closer to Thee?

"Say my name, and I'll
be there,
I'll open your eyes, you are almost ready."

ALMOST...I'm tired of ALMOST. For the past 7 years all I had
faith in was "ALMOST"

Such success, academics...all sand! What does it
mean, when it all turns to sand?
My debt doesn't turn to sand. It appears
more real, more so than You Lord.
I believe in
You, but

Show me the WAY, show me the
WAY.

Sincerely,

Your blind son

Crew Bar

She caresses his neck with her hand.
She's from Quebec, I've just made acquaintance with her.
The beer bottles are clicking
Cheers to Canada, another birthday.

In the crew bar, nothing is as it seems,
This girl pulled away from me when I asked her where she was from
Standard question really, not too sexy.
I don't really care, but I'm curious.

The music (which can hardly be considered music) is screaming in the speakers.
I have to twist my head to hear someone.
The crew bar is not my scene, never was.
But here I am, celebrating my patriotism.

The red neon light reminds me of houses of ill repute.
RED. The color of sin.
The color of movement, of action, for no particular reason.
The color of ephemeral flamboyancy

I think of my girl back home
And the thought of her makes me satisfied.
This trip, reeforces my feelings for my loved one.
I am an introvert...and happy.

I am happy because I contain an entire world within myself.
And no one can penetrate it.
It is mine, to share at my own convenience
And the thought of my loved one at home makes me happy.

I love the fact that I don't have to care about anything
That makes life easier.
I have a treasure back home, and nothing else matters.

Numbness is a good way to survive,
3 beers usually does the trick.
It's Canada Day...here, it is celebrated on the night of the 30th.
It's nice to here music from back home. I get that 'fresh' feeling.

Fresh, beer, love, silence, music, love, peace, not caring about anything, longing, playing, surviving, understanding, knowing, experiencing, ...here I am.

Waiting for a Sign

Dear Me,

Psychics told me God loves me
He "delights" in me, they said..."but you have to BELIEVE"!
I'm still waiting for a sign.
Its a real fucking paradox. Just like psychoanalysis
It seems you do as much damage as good, no matter what you believe in
I guess I can't decide where to camp, can't commit.
I wonder if I should read that science book by my cognition teacher
He's a cool guy...very likeable, voted best teacher at McGill. He's even good looking. Shouldn't I trust a man I admire, one that inspires me rather than one who appears to have good intentions towards me? At least inspiration is self-evident. I believe in that.
Not so easy to BELIEVE when your mind plays tricks on you. God gave me a great mind, perhaps to my peril.
Still wating for that sign.

Sincerly,

Thomas

Snow flakes in red light

Snow flakes in red light
...just read white and black pages
Eyes buring from the cafe lights

I walk back home at night
I miss my mother, my childhood
Now I wonder how to make money
I'm lost in ephemeral angst. For a while I had forgotten this.

In the middle of hope and despair, a bird, a snake.
White pages, spilled ink.
Irreparable, one way sign...

I see my reflection in the window, my forehead shines
I think prematurely of my inevitable mid life crisis.
This is my time, now; this growth, this betweenness.

I want to run to my woman
She can appease my temporary fears
As I find my true purpose
That's the hardest part.
Then I can face certain death with dignity and courage
It seems so simple...

Tomorrow's Hues

I just can't remember much
But this I know I do
I'd love to be with you tonight
And talk about the truth

The truth about me and you
And all the things we share
Our vision of a peaceful time
Where all of us would dare

Dare to give our heart a voice
And dare to walk the talk
Cause silence never gives us peace
But keeps our beauty locked

Locked in heavy shadows
Of ignorance and fear
Will we stand up proud and fight
Or wait another year?

The year has come to make a change
Though it may be so small
I'd love to be with you tonight
Cause together we'll beat it all

All of me and all of you
As partners we will grow
And satisfied with our humble lives
Our vision will be sowed

Sowed with the hand of God
Sowed in solid truth
I'd love to be with you tonight
And dream of tomorrow's hues

Wine and Tomatoes

Wine and Tomatoes

Appetize my wetness

My tongue, my heart

A lulliby for all seasons

Turning seasons and turning leaves

lustre of red and white, points in my feminine shaped glass

The stillness of my liquid, a perfect fullness

..then as I bite into my tomato, all the seeds and liquid fall onto my shirt