Mr. Appoggiatura's Poems

I pray this morning

2007-11-26T06:13:00.001-08:00

It is morning,
bagel's in the toaster,
Water's boiling.
The sound of my personal heater muffles my own sounds.
Or perhaps it is the distractions. Somehow I listen from the inside.
I pray this morning
while eating a bagel.
It is my holy bread;
the water I drink is my baptism.
I still smell yesterday's incense.
I hear it burning in my heart constantly.

I Dreamed of Courage

2007-11-19T09:44:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamed of Courage.
I was lost and was looking for a way back home.
A group of people was heading towards another city.
A friend told me I had to go the other way, towards the way I came from.
As I made my route back I saw a giant bridge.
I didn't know how to get on to it.
I was told to simply jump from it across to the other bridge running parallel to it.
This was the only way home.
In my mind I thought I wouldn't make it, it was too wide a jump
And I was right.
I decided to jump and I fell deep into the river.
At that moment I confronted my fear and let it go.
I was underneath the cold water for such a long time,
But at this moment I was no longer afraid.
When I emerged I saw that my friend had jumped with me.
He hadn't abandoned me, he had demonstrated the highest form of loyalty.
I also saw emerging from the water a huge man resembling a champion body builder
Nothing could bring him down, he was strong and self-assured.
I felt a lightness come over me, I could almost float. It was the feeling of being more alive, a feeling I had forgotten over time.
In my dream I had met Courage and I was ready to become like Him.

Waiting for a sign (part two)

2007-09-25T17:07:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

Show me the MONEY, show me the
MONEY!

The spiders in my bathroom
are getting bigger, hungrier,
I can't afford to feed them, and
OSAP's on
my ass.

I drive on the road, on my way to many
places,
I hold my girl friend's hand, in shame...
My dad's a good
businessman, not I.

But why, But why?

I hold a heavy heart, my eyes are blind.
Too proud to accept
second prize.
Ashame, I refuse to pass by.

But why, but why?

Victory over self
is the simple solution,
My vices
have yet to let go of their grip,
Show me the MONEY! Where is the MONEY?

I have minus 30 000$ to spend on
groceries
But I just won a medal for academic excellence
And they all loved my
Powerpoint presentation

Sure, lots of love is coming my way,
But I can't feed the damn spiders in my bathroom,
They are getting angrier,
and hungrier. Pretty soon, they will eat me.

I read Indian
literature, and the Bible, and
Brian L. Weiss (M.D.)
Victory over self is the simple solution,
God, what is my confession?

"Everything is made out of
sand, even you.
All there is left at the end of the day, is your
consciousness, in Me,"

You tell me, You tell me!

But I
have bills to pay...Earth is knocking at my door.
I am anxious, I'm
tired, I'm annoyed.
Take away this monster my Lord!

"Everything in time, you will see
I have a plan for you
my son, a great plan
It is beautiful, It is beautiful!"

I need faith my Lord,
My bathroom is full of spiders, Evil surrounds
me
How can I come closer to Thee?

"Say my name, and I'll
be there,
I'll open your eyes, you are almost ready."

ALMOST...I'm tired of ALMOST. For the past 7 years all I had
faith in was "ALMOST"

Such success, academics...all sand! What does it
mean, when it all turns to sand?
My debt doesn't turn to sand. It appears
more real, more so than You Lord.
I believe in
You, but

Show me the WAY, show me the
WAY.

Sincerely,

Your blind son

Crew Bar

2007-06-30T16:12:00.000-07:00

She caresses his neck with her hand.
She's from Quebec, I've just made acquaintance with her.
The beer bottles are clicking
Cheers to Canada, another birthday.

In the crew bar, nothing is as it seems,
This girl pulled away from me when I asked her where she was from
Standard question really, not too sexy.
I don't really care, but I'm curious.

The music (which can hardly be considered music) is screaming in the speakers.
I have to twist my head to hear someone.
The crew bar is not my scene, never was.
But here I am, celebrating my patriotism.

The red neon light reminds me of houses of ill repute.
RED. The color of sin.
The color of movement, of action, for no particular reason.
The color of ephemeral flamboyancy

I think of my girl back home
And the thought of her makes me satisfied.
This trip, reeforces my feelings for my loved one.
I am an introvert...and happy.

I am happy because I contain an entire world within myself.
And no one can penetrate it.
It is mine, to share at my own convenience
And the thought of my loved one at home makes me happy.

I love the fact that I don't have to care about anything
That makes life easier.
I have a treasure back home, and nothing else matters.

Numbness is a good way to survive,
3 beers usually does the trick.
It's Canada Day...here, it is celebrated on the night of the 30th.
It's nice to here music from back home. I get that 'fresh' feeling.

Fresh, beer, love, silence, music, love, peace, not caring about anything, longing, playing, surviving, understanding, knowing, experiencing, ...here I am.

Waiting for a Sign

2006-11-19T20:37:00.000-08:00

Dear Me,

Psychics told me God loves me
He "delights" in me, they said..."but you have to BELIEVE"!
I'm still waiting for a sign.
Its a real fucking paradox. Just like psychoanalysis
It seems you do as much damage as good, no matter what you believe in
I guess I can't decide where to camp, can't commit.
I wonder if I should read that science book by my cognition teacher
He's a cool guy...very likeable, voted best teacher at McGill. He's even good looking. Shouldn't I trust a man I admire, one that inspires me rather than one who appears to have good intentions towards me? At least inspiration is self-evident. I believe in that.
Not so easy to BELIEVE when your mind plays tricks on you. God gave me a great mind, perhaps to my peril.
Still wating for that sign.

Sincerly,

Thomas

Snow flakes in red light

2006-11-19T20:18:00.000-08:00

Snow flakes in red light
...just read white and black pages
Eyes buring from the cafe lights

I walk back home at night
I miss my mother, my childhood
Now I wonder how to make money
I'm lost in ephemeral angst. For a while I had forgotten this.

In the middle of hope and despair, a bird, a snake.
White pages, spilled ink.
Irreparable, one way sign...

I see my reflection in the window, my forehead shines
I think prematurely of my inevitable mid life crisis.
This is my time, now; this growth, this betweenness.

I want to run to my woman
She can appease my temporary fears
As I find my true purpose
That's the hardest part.
Then I can face certain death with dignity and courage
It seems so simple...

Tomorrow's Hues

2006-07-12T19:25:00.000-07:00

I just can't remember much
But this I know I do
I'd love to be with you tonight
And talk about the truth

The truth about me and you
And all the things we share
Our vision of a peaceful time
Where all of us would dare

Dare to give our heart a voice
And dare to walk the talk
Cause silence never gives us peace
But keeps our beauty locked

Locked in heavy shadows
Of ignorance and fear
Will we stand up proud and fight
Or wait another year?

The year has come to make a change
Though it may be so small
I'd love to be with you tonight
Cause together we'll beat it all

All of me and all of you
As partners we will grow
And satisfied with our humble lives
Our vision will be sowed

Sowed with the hand of God
Sowed in solid truth
I'd love to be with you tonight
And dream of tomorrow's hues

Wine and Tomatoes

2006-06-28T19:21:00.000-07:00

Wine and Tomatoes

Appetize my wetness

My tongue, my heart

A lulliby for all seasons

Turning seasons and turning leaves

lustre of red and white, points in my feminine shaped glass

The stillness of my liquid, a perfect fullness

..then as I bite into my tomato, all the seeds and liquid fall onto my shirt

Birds of Prey

2006-06-14T20:18:00.000-07:00

I offer what I need
Love is blind and bolts the stage
Drop a tear in a golden vase
to crave my praise to be

So tired, so alive
Suns encapsulate my breadth
Sorrows dissipate 'till death
and claims of joy salive

Indeed a ghost am I
Cloaked in fur and skin and bone
Hunting textures of dry foam
In need of stimuli

Words are often grey
But some are useful warriors
Becoming soulful carriers,
Worms for birds of prey

How deep is the ocean

2006-05-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

How deep is the ocean?
what was solid is now breaking down
every thing disolving into the ocean
The deeper I go, the darker it gets
I talk to her
She talks to me
Then mountains crubble
New lakes are found
And new rivers begin to flow.

The Priestess

2006-04-30T13:32:00.000-07:00

Clutches of evil spirits,
Lost prayers in black butcheries
And luminous torches found in
Places not expected of mine.

I lost my candy to the priestess.

Soon my vile virginity
Will speak its word of dusty lust
For I am sane, and butterflies in vain,
Surround my swollen emptiness.

Losing is not losing when you can fly at will.

Soothing my brainy dope
And calming the oceans of my deepest thoughts,
Could she bless my neck so stiff of fear
And ripen it in healthy sods?

Funny beings of soundless truths fly in the moonlight
Gluing themselves to the crisp midnight air
I follow the priestess into her lair.

Scrabble Poem

2006-04-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

(created using only words from a scrabble game)

Waves of joy
Drink away sin.
Jug of beer
In my ear,
A statue peers...

Twigs in way,
A pill trader's hive,
A dog's hotel
With the face of a quail:
Throe of the Ale.

Of gnomes and lords,
Many at zen locales
I am the pea that guides the ox.

Middle Man

2006-04-23T15:47:00.000-07:00

I am the middle man, the paradox
of wishes and dreams undone
I am the middle man, the priest, the poet;
destined to grasp vibrations
and make out of them an opus;
To bring meaning to the meaningless
and to awaken...

We are beasts of intelligent art.
Made of gruesome fear and love.
Waking to play the angel's harp,
we hear its music from above.

I met someone the other day, in space

2006-04-12T17:05:00.000-07:00

I met someone the other day, in space.
She got under my skin and burned my heart

I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
To find the place where I belong
Does she mean what she says? Does she speak the truth?
My heart is all mixed up
My mind has no words to explain
My soul in suspended animation
My novel at a turning point

I wish I was strong
That I could impress them on all levels
But I'm just like a baby in a tuxedo walking with a briefcase.
Underneath my strenght is weakness
and under this weakness, a bigger strength, then another weakness...
I'm like an ognion pealing itself away.
I'm afraid of what lies in its centre:
If it is strength, then I must have faith
If it is weakness then I am lost.

I keep digging in the dirt, hoping I won't bury myself
Hoping I'll find my angel
Hoping to make peace with my demon.

I met someone the other day, in space

Sometimes we need to heal

2006-04-04T16:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes we need to heal
From the giants that walk over us
The heaviness we accumulate
To admit weakness is not easy
But once admitted, once the tears have been shed
We stand proud with a renewed sense of meaning
To move forward is to shed tears
To face our own shadow
To accept that a poem needs no rhyme
That no explanation is necessary

Grey Skies (Song)

2006-03-23T14:24:00.000-08:00

All I can see are grey skies, grey skies

(Verse 1)
I keep searching and searching
For something to hold onto
But it all keeps on melting
It all keeps on fading

(Verse 2)
I wish I didn't think this way
But I can't stop turning in circles
The words I hear inside my head
Make me lonely of dread

(Chorus)
I thought that I was wise
But now I realize
All I can see are grey skies, grey skies

(Verse 3)
When death is on its way,
And time is running out
I need another reason to live
I can't keep on playing for no one

(Verse 4)
I wish I didn't have to live
with this monster inside
Am I slowly going insane?
Cause I keep singing in the rain...

I thought that I was wise
But now I realize
All I can see are grey skies, grey skies

(Bridge)
I pray and pray the Lord
Cause it's worth a try
This cross I keep on my shoulder
Cause those who give their lives will keep on living

(Verse 5)
Some people think I'm a lunetic
I can see it in their eyes
Are they jealous of a man who chose his dream
Over lust, power and greed?

They don't listen anymore
just an uncomfortable silence
They all keep saying:
A man like me shouldn't be so lonely
I just keep on crying, cause it's hard to let it go
I just keep on crying, cause it's hard to let it go

I won't put on a show
For the blind and deaf and weak-minded.
But am I the blind, deaf and weak-minded?
Am I the selfish one?
How long can I go on like this
I'm running but I'm standing still
I've got a plan but my vision keeps changing
Just me and the Lord, against the World until I die...

All I can see are grey skies, grey skies.
All I can see are grey skies, grey skies
All I can see are grey skies, grey skies

Stop and Listen

2006-03-03T20:30:00.000-08:00

What's the big rush?
We're all gonna die soon anyways
Is that why there is no time?

What is soon?
Will it be tomorrow?
Will it be now?

Is that why we hate?
Is that why we are so selfish?
Is death itself the cause of death?

Why is breathing so underrated?
Do we not get our daily bread?
What is the big rush?

What are we running from?
What if we'd stop?
What if we'd listen?

......listen:

Tomorrow, maybe

2006-01-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

My rhythm is off
and on again, just briefly.
This time it doesn't work,
no progress,
but tomorrow, maybe...

maybe I'll go to the library;
at least books are good for the soul.
But TV's on--football--
and off again, just briefly.
That doesn't work either,
but tomorrow, maybe...

maybe today
I will slow-cook my way home,
dancing to the sound of Stravinsky.
Maybe I'll stop worrying.
After all, it's sunday afternoon.

Sunday afternoon
I sit on a chair and write
about everything at once.
A day to delight in debauchery.
That might work.
Today my progress is invisible,
but tomorrow, maybe...

After the midnight hour

2006-01-21T21:41:00.000-08:00

After the midnight hour
I think just right
my brain settles, and I am connected
Echoes of sadness turn into joy
Waves of acking pains melt into peace
I live when my shoulders are loose
I breath my future life of success
I write, knowingly, confident
That tomorrow is already actualized

Western Shipwrecks

2006-01-08T08:42:00.000-08:00

I dream of a thousand boats shiprecked on a beach
I hear the sound of cracking wood and dripping blood...

A beach is most beautiful in it's natural state
But most people forgot what virgin beaches look like

I sense the salty waves on my fingers,
sitting by the rocks.
I care so much and do so little.
Am I a causer of wrecks?
Am I aboard one of those ships?
For all I know, I could be a captain.

Time passes; hours, days.
And I keep waiting for more ships to come to their doom
We all seem to be waiting until we can no longer see sand

I feel guilty when I drink a single glass of water
What have I done to deserve it?
Western homes in safe societies
Tie me up from the inside
And take away my voice and my will

You have to do everything alone now
There is no Western help
There is only:
Western comfort
Western forgetfulness
Western drugs
Western money
Western crutches
Western food
Western TVs
Western media
Western corporations
Western greed
Western speed
Western loneliness
Western blindness
Western blackness
Western shipwrecks

Love Letter to Someone

2006-01-04T18:30:00.000-08:00

Dear Someone,

What world do you belong to?
What waters were you born from?
It's impossible to trace your beginning,
An origin of endless seeds
And rozy palaces that make you be.

You are more than what my mind can see.
What I touch is nothing but the gates of your world
Where I wait so patiently to enter.
I plead to the guard of the gates:
"I am good! I can do no harm!"
What is it that prevents me from getting under your skin?
The guard replies prophetically:
"Can broken glass and broken dreams be reassembled,
and be as firm as before their shattering?"

Dear Someone,

May I paint and embelish the walls of your palaces
Until I am proven useful for more watery tasks.
May I be prudent and not cause harm
If outside your gates I must remain.
Your eyes by which I should enter
Should tell me in a look
So light and unmistakeable:
"Come in now, I grant you permission.
You need not wait a second more"
If ever by this chance
I am given your trust,
Then, and only then,
Will I live fully and undisturbed by doubt.

Dear Someone,

In all of sincerity
Nothing I know of can be forced.
Nothing good ever germinates from brutal intentions
But, alas, may this dream remain calm and unbroken.
And may our waters meet one day
To sooth our wounded souls.

(June 2005)

Christmas Psalm

2005-12-23T08:49:00.000-08:00

Weak and tired
the worms come out of hiding,
groing bacterias in my stomac, in my head
the Lord's day has arrived.

Christmas is like an open wound
pricked at once a year,
red, colour of blood dripping,
green, colour of intestines in sickness
ho ho horrible deception

I don't spend time with my loved ones.
How should I know what they want?
My sickness is caused by empty motions,
actions no longer thrusted by spirit
pressured by commercialism
to fit into the mould of a rich man

something is out of balance
it can be felt from the inside and outside
the Lord's day has arrived,
a most deceptive ritual that put's our bellies to the test
it's always some sort of test.

Weak an tired
the worms come out of hiding
It will all start with church again this year
and it will end with turkey and meat pie and apathy in our bellies

I must carry the Music

2005-10-07T07:06:00.000-07:00

Demi-gods of jazz
shoot intoxicating serenades
in my ears and in my head
I drink coffee on this rainy morning
Mercury dropped last night

Bill Evans, Jim Hall
and me
part of one music
It takes a listener for music to live
I am that listener this morning

They are demi-gods because they are semi-immortal
They are immortal in the form of recordings
But are the recordings immortal?
This depends on the listeners
There is no absolute existence
Existence is fragile and fleeting

It is a privilege to listen to their concrete music
And to give them voice through my own music
Spirit blends with spirit
And now I, a new vehicle, must carry the music

I Boldly Go

2005-09-18T19:12:00.000-07:00

I boldly go
where everyone's been before
and look at the same things people see
and see something new

I, I, I,

go, boldly,
where people before.
and look at the same things
everyone see
and something
new

new things people see
bold, everyone

see things boldly,
people I, I, I

Everyone's been
new, before

I, go
where no one's been

and see something,
everyday, bold

new, new, new

I boldly go,
I go,
see new things
bold
ly
whe
re
every
thi
ng
se
e
I
I
I
w

The Fish

2005-09-14T19:28:00.000-07:00

Eyes locked on a bowl of sunshine
I watch it everyday.
I look at the goldfish swimming away
Back and forth, aimlessly

It swims back and forth
in the transparent water.
The water allows the fish to swim,
but to the fish it doesn't matter.

I think of my Ancestors.
They whisper inside my cells.
They are just like this fish;
They swim about aimlessly in my blood,
whispering Their aimless song to me

The fish is more dense than the water;
Density and Form are always noticed first.

I crave to see the sun's rays beam through the bowl of glass;
Transparency and Timelessness are always noticed last

It fascinates me that I can come to know this fish more and more everyday,
to eternity.
I could say the same about the sun's rays, and Transparency, and my Ancestors.
And all of this knowing is done,
on purpose.

Solid, Liquid, Gas

2005-09-13T21:01:00.000-07:00

The World is Solid, Liquid and Gas
But once you've reached the stage of Gas
Nothing or no one will stand in your way

(A humorous proverb with potential)

In Love, House of my Pains and Sorrows

2005-09-13T20:50:00.000-07:00

In Love,
House of my pains and sorrows
I look through an hourglass
At autumn's falling mercury

A burned sausage in the fridge
cooling itself away
I wish, I wish, I yearn
Oh, the falling mercury...

Sizling steam
The rice is cooking
Dinner's almost ready
Dinner passes
Lost am I in my sandless hourglass

I love the cold that comes after a hot shower
The same cold that you feel after a dispute

My head full of red wine
The haze of my vision
The dryness of autum
The smoky freshness in the air
It all adds up to...

Yucky Beast and Turd of Grace

2005-09-13T14:04:00.000-07:00

Yucky beast and turd of grace
Only a chairman of the department of science
Would approve of shit like this
Only a bus driver from the most obscure route
Would bless this turd
Only a beast of gigantesque rage
Could peal my sins of grainy wishes
I always go against the grain, always,
Oh, it would heal, so slowly, but surely
Slowly, but surely it would heal
It would heal, so, slowly.
It hurts, to know about the turd inside me
It hurts to speak to a beast everyday
Everyday, the beast speaks
I hate the beast, and the beast loves me
It hopes for my failure, and I fail to hope
Yucky beast and turd of grace
face, grace, face, grace...
Its the only path to God, and Peace
A peace of turd!...

rain on me, warmly...
I need a warm rain
A rain from a woman of grace
A womanly warmth
A woman to woo, to sooth my woes
A piece of cake, that cannot be
Good God, I need that rain...
rain on me!...
Wash the beast away, wash it soon
And the turd too, my lord, dont forget the turd
I am nothing
but I hope to be a rainbow some day
I hope to be free
Free from me, and from God, and from The beast and the turd, and everything else
Where is my freedom?
Is it in the turd?
Ancient texts confirm it yes.
Amen, it's in the turd
The beast guards the turd as
Erebus gards the gates of hell...
rain on me...I love rain.
And the rain loves me.
because I am the sunshine.
ying and yang
Opposits attract, the law is
the law is, the law is.
Opposits attract. ying and yang
ying and yang
ying and yang
ying and yang
. and yang
. and yang...

I'm Lost in Lust for Wings

2005-09-13T13:28:00.000-07:00

I'm lost in lust for wings.
I'm lost in lust for wings!
I want to fly like a bee and seek some juices
sweet juices, sweet smells, sweet sensations
Most of the time everything inside me is uranium
Tall trees grow up my spine, and the leaves clutter my holes
I grow with the trees, just not as tall
I grow with the bees, but I just dont fly at all
I search for sweetness and I find coke and cake
I am lost in lust for wings...

Life goes on, just plain and normal
There is nothing sweet around, most of the time
But in faith, all sweatness comes
In faith, you look with your little eyes
In faith, you look with your little heart
and you grow little wings
and you fly, just like the bees
in an almost invisible universe

Tonight

2005-09-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

Tonight is rather dark
A slow pace in place
A dream when I'm awake
and the smell of nothing in the nostrils,
just light piercing through them...

Money can buy you sex on a night like this
It can buy you a sandwitch
It can buy you all distractions;
But I want darkness.
Money can't buy darkness
It can't buy the light that pierces through the darkness

And darkness is free
Free for me
This week, it's on special